flowerger

2007-08-12T16:11:00.000+08:00

March 12, 2005. It has been almost 2.5 years. I found "someone" else. But you will always be here. I don't have the heart to delete you just like LJ.

2007-08-11T22:13:00.000+08:00

Nothing beats retail therapy.

I'm thinking of leaving current "lover" and go back to former "lover", LJ.

2007-08-10T20:01:00.001+08:00

Yesterday evening...

Me: I'm on leave tomorrow and I'm having breakfast with a friend before going to office for a while.

Mum: Huh? Why bother taking leave? Just stay in office.

Bro: You are overworked and underpaid.

Me: Sigh.

Today...

Former boss, JY & X: Why did you come back? Wasted and disrupted your leave.

Me: Its alright. I had my life earlier on. I will continue later after this. I'm not planning to stay long.

I stepped into office at 2.50pm and left at 6pm.

I popped by to see KL and she lamented how we are underpaid and she and few others had the discussion about it over lunch. I told her I'm being abused. KL laughed. She said, "I have never thought of that before." I told KL I surfed UNICEF website last night. Looking for opportunities there if they want to hire someone with my qualifications and/or experience.

I will always have this "angel" and "demon" talking to me. The angel will say "Stay on. This is something you enjoy doing and this is something you have regard as your career." And the devil will say "Don't be stupid. Your pay is pathetic. It does not equates to the amount of work you are doing." Sigh. So the question that will always haunt me "Is it all about the money?" Money - the root of all evils?

Over breakfast with Dino, (and I must say I could have not have enjoyed it any less) we came up with an idea to sue our mothers for hounding us to get married, embarrassed us by calling us when we out with friends to "remind" us go home and not allowing us to have a relationship with a boy when we were in school thus led us to be immune with the idea to be in a relationship and get married. Both of us were wondering if there any lawyers out there will take up our case. We are just seeking justice. As the fault is not entirely ours for how we behave and react currently. How can our mothers don't allow us to hang out late at night with friends when they themselves do the same e.g. they disappear without informing us where they are going and come home late sometimes without telling us where they are. We just want justice to be served. We reckon we will garner support from other single women out there who shared the same plight as us.

Dino and I will make a good couple but too bad she is a woman herself. She and Sophia are moving in together perhaps I should in with them too.

2007-08-09T00:39:00.001+08:00

Statistics. Bad and Good. Choices.

"Your friend is pretty so she can choose but for you, you can't choose." I was speechless. I did not react. I just smiled.

On the way home it got me thinking, shouldn't those words hurt me? It did. Momentarily. My self-esteem hit the floor. But coming from someone I know it somehow did not register to my brain. I was slow I must admit. Why did I not retaliate? Is it because we know each other and perhaps I take it as joke or passing remark and I let it slide while my ego is bruised? When I left to go to the ladies one of them defended me and I was only told about it when I said something not too nice to the person who defended me. Why so? This question played on my mind all the way home. Is it because we are more forgiving when our loved ones i.e. friends and family treat us unkindly compared to strangers? Is it because its ok to say or act unkindly sometimes to our loved ones? MT once said we tend to be nice to those people we don't know than the people we know. Why? Because we take things and people we know for granted.

If I don't know him better, I would have, maybe gave him one tight slap and walk away. But do I want to stoop to his level? I just let it slide. If I count or keep tabs on the amount of hurtful words or actions people I know say or do to me and vice versa, each of us will be a lonely person.

Statistics. Bad and good. Choices.

2007-08-07T18:09:00.000+08:00

My colleague and I in the lift.

My colleague: What time do you normally goes home?
Me: 7+
My colleague: Why?
Me: Err.. I'm going back early tomorrow. I have dinner appointment.
My colleague: You don't have anything to do at home?
Me: Well...
My colleague: Find a boyfriend lah...
Me: (trying to win my case) And its peaceful to work after office hours. (managed to blurt it out before the lift door closes)

She smile. (and the lift door closes)

My colleague who is a year younger than me is married with a child and she goes back on time. I guess the difference between us I don't have to tend to anybody let alone cook or clean the house. Dinner is served when I get home. I wash my own dishes when I'm done with dinner. Has work become an excuse for me seek sanctuary? Work will never end. Yes that's a fact I know but somehow never register in my brain and I have been trying to finish work but I know it will never end. I should make an effort to go home early and leave unfinished work for the next day. Nobody will die if I did not finish it. I'm not working in A&E. I should catch up on my readings, books are stacking at the side of my bed waiting for me to read them. I should.

2007-08-06T13:32:00.000+08:00

To strike a balance in most things is never easy. Its like having 2 children and trying to give them undivided love and attention. Hopefully I will not screwed up their future. I'm trying and will keep trying (not to screw up their future that is) especially when you are a "single parent".

2007-08-05T22:16:00.000+08:00

Finally!! I finished reading Torey Hayden's book "Beautiful Child". Took me almost 3 months to finish it! Its not because its a boring book but sometimes could not find the time to read it. Anyway its a beautiful book that touches me. Torey wrote series of books sharing her experience working with children who have psychological problem. Its just amazing and relentless she is helping Venus (the girl in "Beautiful Child") and the other children in Venus' class to go back to the main education stream. If you have the time pick up the book and read it.

2007-08-03T08:58:00.000+08:00

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Quality Time
with a secondary love language being
Acts of Service.

Complete set of results

Quality Time:		10
Acts of Service:		8
Words of Affirmation:		5
Physical Touch:		4
Receiving Gifts:		3

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz

2007-08-02T20:30:00.000+08:00

My neighbour lamented how sad that till today there's no promotion with the number of years served in the company. And I replied if I break it down to dollars and cents and matched it the amount of work on my plate, I should have been paid more. My friends have been rallying that I should move on (to another company and/or job).

So does it boils down to dollars and cents and promotion? I did a Work-Life Balance test last night and the results showed that the current job is not work but career. Its few points short to be classified as a calling.

I have been thinking and visualising but as usual I have yet to move my arse. Let's wait for next week.

2007-08-01T18:47:00.000+08:00

Nobody is indispensable, especially at work setting.

When everything else disappoint me or fails I know I still have God Almighty.

2007-07-31T22:39:00.000+08:00

These are taken from my office's desk.

2007-07-30T20:19:00.000+08:00

I just lurve this song - "Over You". I played it over and over again. Its a good heartbreaking, heal the wound song. "Home" is another song that touches your soul. His 1st album rockz!

2007-07-29T00:12:00.000+08:00

2 cool vidz I found on Youtube, Breakdance Baby and Laughing baby. The Breakdance Baby is simply awesome.

2007-07-28T20:47:00.001+08:00

Happy Endings, brilliant piece of work by the playwright and the theatre company. It was enlightening. I understand things better now. Empathy. Its never easy being a minority cos I'm one. Its a struggle sometimes. The play was entertaining, engaging, mesmerising, touched my heart. V said "Impressive".

The last place we thought we would meet one of the bosses, who sat the same row as us. At least we know we are not the only "queer" ones who enjoyed the piece of art especially a "controversial" one.

I was browsing through some CDs and saw this particular CD, "Audiophile Vocal". Huh? Out of impulse I purchased it. I thought for a change from my punk, rock, pop, mainstream music I want to listen to something different and new. What's "audiophile"?

Definition from Wikipedia - An audiophile, from Latin audire[1] "to hear" and Greek philos[2] "loving," can be generally defined as a person dedicated to achieving high fidelity in the recording and playback of music .

The songs on the CD has a clean feel to it. Its simple, no frills with a tinge of Jazz. Its something you want to listen after a hard day at work.

Did I mention Happy Endings has no Singlish in it? Not even a lah or leh. The grammar used was almost perfect (nothing is perfect in this world). Its refreshing indeed.

2007-07-28T00:43:00.000+08:00

I was lethargic, lost concentration which resulted in low productivity on Thursday and Friday. Spent a good time on Friday staring at my emails. It was raining heavily in the morning and I thought why am I here? I should be at home on my bed. I lost my concentration partly because I was kinda excited with the activities lined up this weekend. Kick start with The Simpsons Movie on Friday night with the boys. It was a short movie, 85 minutes but it was darn good. I have always watched Simpsons on TV thus to watch it on big screen was another level of experience. I'm catching Happy Endings: Asian Boys Vol 3 with V on Saturday afternoon. When I tell people I'm watching it they give me this quizzical and funny look. They asked "Why?" I replied "I just want to watch it." On Sunday I'm going to Geylang Serai with Dino. We are going to shop! I'm going to make Dino to buy more colourful scarves.

Have a good weekend everyone!

2007-07-25T13:43:00.000+08:00

I met my friend's friend again!! I know his lunch hour now so if I want to eat there I have to go early and leave early. And V almost wanted to go up to him and apologise. So farny!! Since he is huge he may just pick V up and throw her out of the building...hmm...LOL...

May be one day all of us should have lunch together, my friend, my friend's friend, V, MT and I. I wonder how it will turn out...

2007-07-24T12:52:00.000+08:00

Friendship is priceless.

I have done this before thus its nothing new. I would not do anything to compromise the friendship. I will get over it and move on with life.

2007-07-23T19:49:00.001+08:00

I believe this is one of the saddest Malay poem I have ever read. Its an original composition wrote by a friend.

bertapa sendiri di Gunung ledang
tangisan puteri memecah keheningan
apa la ada pada si abang
mengharap kasih yang tak kunjung datang
serpihan semalam masih mengiang
di dalam hati yang sudah kecundang

2007-07-21T13:02:00.001+08:00

I had a crazy morning. 2 programmes back to back. And I foresee more of such things happening in coming months. "You will never understand until you are in my shoes." Confucius said "I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand." This is for the kids. I hope whatever I do today, indirectly, will somehow touch their live and make them a better person. I help to impart knowledge to them and in return they help me learn and discover God's intention for having me here at this time at this hour. Please give me the strength and determination to see the programes through.

2007-07-20T23:43:00.000+08:00

We spent 2 hours creating theories that are just simply bizarre e.g. if one day medical technology reached a very advance stage, we just pop a pill to conceive and the pills come in different flavour and colour, will the baby come out as say purple if the pill is a blackcurrant flavour? Theory of association, blackcurrant flavoured pill or sweets will usually be purple thus it just struck me and blurted out "So the baby will be purple in colour?" The rest were too stunned with my query that they went "speechless". Someone then queried "So what is the colour of the sperm then? Are there different colours to denote different colour babies?" We broke into laughter.

Head down to one of the coffee joints and place our order. One of us ordered "Rambutan juice". When the drinks arrived I asked "Why is the rambutan juice pink? Isn't rambutans white?" Kor replied "Ya I was about to ask the same? Do you think they blend the rambutans with the skin too?" Someone said maybe its Thai rambutan so its pink! HUH??? And of course theory of swirling saliva that leads to ice-making so the colour pink came from a bleeding gum that mixed with the saliva hence the pink rambutan juice. Later the truth came out that they add a tinge of strawberry colouring that resulted in pink rambutan juice.

Please do not try to decipher or make sense of the "theories" presented above. Its one of those Friday nights where the right and left brain went clubbing and got drunk. Anyway I had a good dinner, felt re-charged and energised to continue working.

2007-07-19T22:59:00.000+08:00

One in 350 patients is HIV-positive and they don't even know it
Posted: 18 July 2007 1110 hrs (Channel NewsAsia)

We should have a ruling that all couples have to go for health screening, HIV & STIs in particular before they sign on that dotted line and Justice of Peace/Priest/Father/Reverend/Ustaz pronounce them as husband and wife. If such ruling is not pass in parliament I will take it upon myself to ask my partner to go for a health screening and I will do the same.

They say in a relationship there must be trust and faith but I will not take things for granted especially when it concerns my health and future. Even if there's trust, I do not know where my future partner has been. His history will remain in the past but virus like HIV will always remain till in future. We have yet to find the cure for HIV/AIDS. And some STIs are not curable.

2007-07-18T18:34:00.001+08:00

Feeling exceptionally tired today. Could be the lack of rest. Last night when I came home dad remarked, "You work like security guard." I was like "Huh?". And later realised he meant I spent almost 12 hours at office. Its like doing a security shift.

I was googling on "street slang" and I hit few helpful sites. The different slangs kids use nowadays, what it meant and how they creatively marry a local slang with an American, rap, hip hop slang e.g. "Yo B, whassup sia'" (means, Hello brother. How are you?) Kids were saying its no longer cool to speak proper English as they will be regarded as the atas (snobbish) people thus "Its ain't cool, dawg." The language they used come with different gestures and handshakes. Its a secret language among their homies. Interesting aye.

Yesterday I had a chat with a local lecturer from one of the varsities here. She said the standard of English has drop dramatically. She used to study in the same varsity many years ago and appalled when she marked the students' assignments. She said "I'm not here to mark their grammar. They are university students!" My command of the English language is not that powderful either and I graduated from uni :)

See ya dok!

2007-07-16T22:43:00.000+08:00

It's Monday and the colour associated with it is normally blue and some people take it a bit too seriously that left me and MT laughed all the way back from lunch to office...

We decided to head out for lunch today. I felt like eating prata so we went to the "famous" briyani shop. Whilst chatting and enjoying our food came this man who broke the peace within the shop. He was talking at the top of his voice, throwing packed sweets on the floor, swearing. He had to be subdued. The owner threatened to call the police but he ignored it. The final straw that made us or MT wanted to leave the place ASAP when he started to push down the folded tables and plates with leftover rice and curry from previous customer. MT was afraid that he might pour curry on him and dirty his clean shirt. Vain. (So much about a man protecting a lady nowadays).

The next incident which happened less than 10 minutes later, while waiting for the green man, another man was shouting to himself. He had earphones plugged in so we thought he was on hands free but he was not. He was just acting "abnormal". We walked very slowly behind him. As we walked up the stairs towards our office building, a police van honked furiously at a pedestrian at the pedestrian crossing. MT and I looked at each other and burst into laughter. Yes its Monday we know. Something is just not right today or the karma or fengshui between MT and I is not going well. Sigh.

Who will have taught a harmless lunch turn out to be quite an eventful one.

2007-07-14T22:38:00.000+08:00

I miss my life in Oz...

For those who only knew me after Gong, let me introduce my friends & Gong family to you...

PS: My non-Gong friends think Uncle Jimbo is cute... awwww ...

2007-07-12T23:05:00.000+08:00

Each time I'm inspire to write I will be at the wrong places, train, bus, waiting for someone, in the toilet and after which as usual I will forget when I reach home or at the PC desk.

While waiting for the green man to appear, this mother, fat mother who is from my community whom I'm very ashamed of, scolded his sobbing son for God knows what the young lad did. She told him "No more food for you tonight." (translated to English) And she went to light up a fag. I was so disgusted. No.1 I detest, hate it, find it morally not right to scold a child in the public. No.2 I HATE, PROTEST, DISGUSTED, ANGRY, DESPISE when parents light up in front of a child or children. She has another child in the pram. I was standing close to them and I felt like pulling the fag out of her mouth and give her one tight slap. Little wonder, even an idiot knows, the stats showed high percentage of youth smokers have at least one parent who smokes. Who they learn it from? The stupid and irresponsible parents of course! If you are not capable of being a good role model to your children, incapable to teach your child the right moral values, please don't have children. I truly despise these kind of parents. Urgh.

Anyway this is not my first encounter on such irresponsible and simply don't use brain kind of parents. I saw too many, hear too many. And when they can't "control" the child, they will haul the kid to the court. If I'm a parent and I have to resort to send my child to the court, I will declare myself a no. 1 failure. I have went through failure before but failing to raise my child well, fail to impart the right moral and religious values to him/her, its a mother of all failure. And I ought to be shot or sentence to death.

2007-07-12T22:37:00.000+08:00

I just received my mobile and credit card bill. 2 words - no more shopping, well that's 3. Abstinence from shopping for at least 3 months. Honestly the amount was not that shocking. I kinda expected it. Anyway I'm going to have all my meals at home from now on except for lunch. Maybe just bread for lunch. And this also confirmed, I shall not have more than 1 credit card. However its debit thus it deducts from the bank directly. No outstanding payment. I thank God for that. I told Mum no more calling me when I'm overseas. I think my plan to travel next month has to be cancelled. Sigh. Will still take leave and slack at home. Sigh.

2007-07-12T12:26:00.000+08:00

Jika Kau bercinta lagi (If you fall in love again)

Jika Kau bercinta lagi
cintalah sepenuhnya aaa aaa aaa
jika kau bercinta lagi
jagalah kau hatinya aaa aaa aaa

engkau yang memilihnya
tanpa memikirkan tentang diriku
kini ku hanya dapat berdoa
agar berbahagia kau disampingnya aaa aaa aaa

Jika Kau bercinta lagi
cintalah sepenuhnya aaa aaa aaa
jika kau bercinta lagi
jagalah kau hatinya aaa aaa aaa

aku tak dapat menghalang
engkau punya kemahuan sendiri
biarku hidup hanya mengenang
peristiwa yang tak dapat ku lupa aaa aaa aaa

kini aku hanya dapat berdoa
agar berbahagia kau disampingnya
selamat tinggal
aku mengundurkan diri

2007-07-12T08:50:00.000+08:00

I just received THE call. I'm elated and nervous at the same time. I'm not hoping but hey since they are giving me an opportunity to prove myself I should make the best out of it. All the best to me :)

2007-07-08T13:52:00.000+08:00

Baby Jedidiah, 1 month old. And he's like many of us in the Gong Gang, he's a Gemini! Jedi looks like his father :)

2007-07-02T19:16:00.000+08:00

On the way to lunch venue...

Me: You guys should see my pics when I was in Oz. I was so fat!
V & MT: *rolled their eyes*
MT: What's your BMI?
Me: Dunno. 18 something
MT: By looking I know you are below the normal healthy BMI
Me: No lah...
MT: V has normal BMI
V: Ya ya... 18.7
Me: But once I'm fat it goes to my face and not the other parts of the body. My face looks like its gonna burst from my tudung.
MT: I have never heard of that before.

And so I checked my BMI. Its 18.4. Its just 0.1 from the healthy range.

Chatting after lunch since we had like 30 minutes to spare. And I saw someone familiar. As per normal I just stared and he looked at me and gave a surprised smile. I told V & MT "Hey he is my friend's friend." MT asked "Huh? Who?" V said "She said its her friend's friend." (Its the age where we get deaf naturally.) He walked over to our table.

Me: Hi.
Friend's friend: Hi. (He has this looked that says "What are you doing here?")
Me: I work opposite, (shall not disclose my company's name).
Friend's friend: Oh...hmm (pointing towards his colleagues)... lunch
Me: (I smiled) Ok.
Friend's friend: (Wave goodbye)

MT: Hey he's not bad looking
V: Ya
(Both giggled)
Me: (I gave some odd signs, twitch nose, squeeze my eyes)
V: What's that suppose to mean?
MT: (blur) huh?
V: (blurted out pretty loudly) Oh he's aj!

Ahh yes its V. I hope he did not hear it or whoever was sitting around us. I was like "V!! Can you be more loud?" V giggled and said "Sorry." And of course all of us just broke into laughter. The usual.

V & MT are my source of "entertainment" and outlet for me to just go crazy. Their presence definitely kept me sane at the company. I deal with crappiness day in day out. Sometimes I asked myself is it worth it to spend few more years here? Should I move somewhere out of this country to do the same cause and people may just appreciate my effort? My RO asked me "How do you grade yourself now?" After informal chat with him about my mid-year performance I just feel crappy. It seems I don't do enough, am not good enough, I should push myself harder, should give my best. He does not know what the job entails. He asked me "Why do you always looked stress? How come you are so stress?" What does he know when he accept the particular job but he does not do it? I do the work. I feel so stupid giving up my social time, work my arse off, going against time to see and finish the particular work. He asked "Is it so stressful reading proposals?" Well when was the last time you read a proposal, a raw one? What we gave him is after the several rounds refining the piece of proposal. How long more? Each time I have this thoughts it just put my self-esteem down, it discards my passion for this cause. I'm tired. I'm sick.

2007-07-01T19:15:00.000+08:00

I was looking thru' some old pics of me back in Oz and comparing them with the recent pics of me. I noticed 2 things - I was so FAT and dark. And now I think I look better, slimmer and fairer. I get dark easily. Well unless I'm out in the nature, getting dark is the least of my worry. With this I conclude, I have to watch what I eat and try to move my arse to exercise. I'm not going back to the time when I'm all round and chubby cos its just so ugly.

2007-07-01T16:09:00.000+08:00

Day out at the ZOO with Soph and Dino.

V wrote on my birthday card "Don't count the candles. Count the blessings." And I'm truly bless.

2007-06-26T23:14:00.001+08:00

2007-06-26T19:54:00.001+08:00

I had to make one of the difficult decisions in my life this afternoon. But I made it. No turning back. I had a brief chat with boss and for once what he told me during our chat I felt my effort and hard work is being appreciated. These past few days I learnt we humans only learn to express our gratitude after we lose something we take for granted for. I guess that's how things are in this world.

2007-06-24T18:11:00.000+08:00

Some narration - KL and I bought the same jacket so LL took our pics. We look like twins! The long poles are called "Story poles" by the First Nations (Aborigine people). Compare and contrast of beautiful day, full of sunshine and clear blue sky with cloudy gothic day. Pics of me with beautiful scenic background. KL and I also survived the longest suspension bridge. It was kinda scary especially at the middle part. It sways left and right. LL and I posed outside the Vancouver Convention & Exhibition centre where our conference was held. Beautiful Vancouver skyline and sun hidden behind the clouds.

2007-06-24T16:58:00.000+08:00

This thought just cross my mind, what will be people or loved ones say during my funeral i.e. eulogy? Will anybody cry? Will anyone say "Thank God she is gone." Will anyone miss me? Will anyone remember me on my 10th death anniversary? The closest result or should I say to find out when one is away for a long time, out of the country. Loved ones or people start to miss you. They say distance makes the heart grows fonder. All of us once learnt or is learning that only when a loved one(s) leave us, we start to feel the missing part. Its difficult each day to wake up and smile and say to your loved ones "Hey I love you." and give them a hug. Its just so not real. Not our culture maybe. My colleague once said you may have all the knowledge/information but translating it into action is the difficult part. Make sense. I know exercise is good for me but do I exercise. No. Why? Cos I'm too lazy to move my arse.

Some may know that I like to read obituaries. They always list the names of the family members but not their friends or colleagues. What does that say, really? And for those big shots they have like half a page of tribute from so and so companies, the atas people etc but question is will the dead know about this? There are stories I heard people staged their funeral. They know their time will come soon (terminal illness) so they decided to see what its like to be at their own funeral when they are alive and people actually can come and say goodbye to him while he is still alive. Make sense to me. He wanted to personally say goodbye to people and not when he is dead cold. I would do the same but only God knows when my time is up. Till then I have to try really hard to be nice to my loved ones. And in my obituary if anyone will do one for me when I'm dead, please include the names of my closest friends or just say "Her beloved friends."

I was talking to a friend late this morning. Its about moving on after a failed relationship. By now I should be an expert as I have witnessed many in this short life of mine. I should attempt to write a book "How to get over your ex in 10 ways during 10 days" LOL. Anyway I realised no matter how many suggestions I give or no matter how much I say to ease the pain, its up to that individual to make an attempt to move on with life. Its easier said than done and I admit that. I don't even dare to say "I know how you feel" cos bloody hell I don't! That's the rule no.1 when you became the "chosen one". How cliche this may sound, time will heal the wound. How much time? Its up to the individual to decide or perhaps the environment or the people around that individual. And getting used to that lifestyle of having someone at "your beck and call" its difficult I must say not to have it anymore. Welcome to single hood. Join the club! I have never had anyone at my beck and call. Then again if I had one or going to have one, it will take some time for adjustment. Life being single ain't that bad either. Thus its important to have wide circle of friends or close knit friends to be your safety net, to catch you when you fall down. Bottom line you need a good and strong supportive environment. When the other party leaves you, be it through death or failed relationship, you know who you can turn to.

2007-06-24T02:20:00.000+08:00

I'm awake!! I slept 4am and woke up at 11am. Went back to sleep at 4ish in the afternoon. Mum screamed at me to eat dinner. Gobble up food with eyes closed and went back to sleep. Was awoken few times when my mobile beep. And now I'm fully awake!!! How do I get back to sleep? This can't continue cos I have to go back to work on Monday. KL text me at about 6 in the evening to say she just woke up. She is still adjusting. And the rings we bought together its too tight for her. I tried mine and yea its tight too. Did my finger expand when I'm here and shrunk when I was there? Hmm...

I need a haircut. Maybe shave bald like Rayzie. Its too hot here.

Good morning everyone.

2007-06-23T01:16:00.000+08:00

I'm home. And less into an hour when I arrived in Spore I have already missed Vancouver. Sigh... I have fallen in love with the city. The place is just so beautiful. I absolutely love the cool weather, the vastness of the place, the mountains with a bit of snow covering its peak, the blue sky, fresh air, friendly people, yummy fish and chips (at vancouver island) and wonderful coffee. Once in a while on the highway we get to see eagles flying around. And on the way back from vancouver island we saw whales, sealions and more eagles!! We brave the cold wind to sit at the ship deck to look out for these animals. It was definitely a good escape from Spore. I feel so at ease there. I felt like I'm back in Oz.

I have this itch to leave Spore again for a long period, either to study or to work. I don't know. I just want to run away from here. And I realised I did not miss anybody while I was there. I do think of loved ones when I shop for gifts for them but no I don't miss anybody. Family and friends miss me but I don't know why I don't feel the same. I told mum how I wish I can stay there longer. I guess I just need more time to be with me.

Anyway all plans have to set aside first as I need to serve my 6 months bond with the company. And this have been the most expensive vacation I have ever had. I don't dare to look into my account. I shop like there's no tomorrow + the phone bill. I think I may have spent my entire salary or more. Thus I need to work to earn back the money. Bummer.

I would like to thank to those who sent me birthday greetings. I received a few from friends whom I have not been in contact for ages. I kept all the messages, 23 altogether. Not forgetting to those who left me messages on friendster and facebook and my dear unker jimbo called me. Well mum called me too. I'm thankful I'm surrounded with beautiful people.

2007-06-11T15:18:00.000+08:00

heyo!! im in vancouver!! arrived on saturday afternoon about 12.30pm vancouver time. i was welcomed with heavy rain and strong wind!!! it was freezing and i din bring enough thick clothes to keep me warm. oh well... i survive... anyway i forgot the feeling of coldness and the strong wind blowing thru your bones. its summer now but somehow something wrong with the environment. global warming. anyway the sun came out and i could not be happier. its still cold but bearable. i will get used to it. conference was officially opened this evening. my presentation is on friday. yikes!! vancouver reminds me of oz. kinda like it here. maybe i will come back again with erm... unker jimbo!!!

take care unker jimbo. always thinking of u... hee... and everyone else at home lah.... see ya!!

2007-06-03T14:24:00.000+08:00

I want to say something about my room. Only 1 word to describe it - MESSY and some dust here and there. But I always keep my bed clean cos its the only part or furniture in the room I used most. Should you walk into my room now, you will never think there's someone living in there. Clothes, folded by mum I left it outside on the trunk cum mini bench in my room. I have a wardrobe but somehow the clothes never make its way there. Go figure why. My bags strewn on the floor. Shoe boxes I have yet to discard. My room need serious cleaning and renovation cos the ceiling is peeling off. I realised I keep too many junks. And now there's one empty suitcase in the room waiting to be filled up. I hate packing. Can I hire someone to do that for me.?

I'm such a serious lazy arse.

PS: My bro's room is no diff. Good luck cleaning it when you are back! :p

2007-06-02T22:50:00.000+08:00

WNTD - its over! As in not the day itself cos its an annual thing but the "celebration" bit for the youth ended this afternoon. I could not be more relieved. My first WNTD. Just like sweet and sour chicken/fish, it was mixed of frustration, happiness, smiles, tears. And of course I don't think I would have survived without V being there with me.

I have never walked so much in orchard road within a day until today. Luckily I had this teacher who is on attachment with us to keep me company during my "walkabout". We somehow get along very well. We click instantly. I found out both of us are the do-ers and not into the endless planning and talking and no action done. Well there's a flip side to everything or most things. You can't just do things without planning and you can't just continue planning without doing anything. The teacher remarked each of us are unique, make us interesting. I said imagine if everyone is the same this world will be a boring place to live in.

Thus this brought me to the different characters I have to deal with in particular the person who says "work comes first". He is just being himself. I can't change him. But I can change how I think of him. I have to accept he is another person who does not share the same character as me or the people I am in love with. That's how God created him. And God has given me a brain to think and a heart to feel. He is who he is. I can't change God's creation. I have to accept him. No point "complaining" or bitching about him (tho' I kinda like doing it) cos it just add grievances and not any solutions. Everyone has their flaws cos nobody is perfect. However I wish he has more feelings/emotions.

6 more days to Vancouver. So much work to clear. Have yet to finalise my presentation slides. Have yet to pack.

2007-06-01T13:47:00.000+08:00

What's wrong with Singapore men or in particular the man who believes "work comes first". I fell down at one of the coffee shops around my office. I hit the back of head and arse. There were men sitting waiting for their food/drinks. The sat there and watched me fall. Nobody came to offer a helping hand or asked if I'm ok in particular the man who believes "work comes first". He still has the cheek to say to us (V & I) "Oh I saw you fall." And yet he did not do anything. He still can say before he walked off "We need you tomorrow. Make sure you are ok." HELLO! I'm in pain here. Can't you show some concern. Is that you care about? The event tomorrow. Gosh! And V and I agreed if any of our guy friends are there, be it gay or straight they will come to my aide. Well they may laugh first but they will help. I don't think people like Jase, Tris, Ed, Ethan, Roy, Jim or Ron will do nothing.

Speaking of Ron, the bugger is back for hols. He did a "prank" call to say I have won a trip to Zimbabwe. It took me few minutes to recognise his voice and I just screamed at him "Eh idiot! When did you come back?" Its nice to have him back even for a while. Looking forward to meet him next week even though I'm busy. Heck lah. Drop everything and hang out with my friends.

2007-06-01T00:03:00.000+08:00

Happy 27th birthday to Tristan Tan Teck Wee :) (i hope he won't kill me for spelling out his full name)

_____________________________________________________________________

Salah - it should be Happy 28th... I think .... oh well... unker Jimbo said don't bother about the figures, its the thots that counts....

2007-05-31T13:43:00.000+08:00

Went to watch POTC 3 last evening. And I have to confess, I fell asleep at some parts. V said "Again??" LOL. Well I slept at some parts of Phantom and I was with her too. I think its must be her lah. LOL. Well I was just totally exhausted after spending the afternoon under the hot sun walking along orchard road (site recce), choosing costumes at arab street and view a trishaw at Bugis (prop for the "street march" this Saturday's event). I did not know this little island of mine has this funky huge costume shop. It has almost everything, every character, you name it and they have it. (Next Gong gathering we should have a masquerade party. What say you?)

I guess the only part that made me sit up and watch POTC 3 was the ending when Orlando looked so so hot! I have never see him that hot. That is my kind of man. Perhaps human nature or just mine to be attracted to the bad boys. They give off a sense of fun and adventure.

And oh for those who do not know 31 May is World No Tobacco Day, HAPPY WORLD NO TOBACCO DAY. Please help to make our air 100% smoke-free.

2007-05-28T13:14:00.000+08:00

Unker Jimbo still kept the link to my LJ. I was reading the entries and I realised I was very happy then tho' I was poor (cos I was a student). And I was pretty contented. 3 years later with many things had happened and changed, of course life is so much different now. I seriously missed life in Wollongong. If only I can turn back the time...

2007-05-28T00:00:00.001+08:00

F***!!! I was working on a proposal for 45 minutes and when I want to save it, it went *POOF* Man. That proposal was like 1+ month overdue. Bloody hell!!!

2007-05-27T13:11:00.000+08:00

A colleague of mine introduce me to Mika http://www.mikasounds.com/uk.php and I fell in love with his music eversince. One of his famous tracks is Grace Kelly but I love "Relax (Take it Easy)"

Took a right to the end of the line

Where no one ever goes.

Ended up on a broken train with nobody I know.

But the pain and the (longings) the same.

(Where the dying

Now I'm lost and I'm screaming for help.)

Relax, take it easy

For there is nothing that we can do.

Relax, take it easy

Blame it on me or blame it on you.

It's as if I'm scared.

It's as if I'm terrified.

It's as if I scared.

It's as if I'm playing with fire.

Scared. It's as if I'm terrified.

Are you scared?

Are we playing with fire?

Relax

There is an answer to the darkest times.

It's clear we don't understand but the last thing on my mind

Is to leave you.

I believe that we're in this together.

Don't scream - there are so many roads left.

Relax, take it easy

For there is nothing that we can do.

Relax, take it easy

Blame it on me or blame it on you.

(x3)

It's as if I'm scared.

It's as if I'm terrified.

It's as if I scared.

It's as if I'm playing with fire.

Scared.

It's as if I'm terrified.

Are you scared?

Are we playing with fire?

Relax

2007-05-26T21:46:00.000+08:00

A harmless "date" turn out to be a time of reflection, for both of us. I wish I could do more but I could only do what I could afford to do. If we were alone, I believe we would spend the time together crying. I almost did but we were in a crowded coffee place. And it was about you and not me.

I spent half an hour yesterday afternoon with G. I never expect G to be a listener and he did, with his heart. G pulled me up. He is the last person I expect to be my lifeline. The only sentence kept ringing in my head, what G said, "Live the life you choose to live." I found out yesterday too G could see things which most of us could not. And not being in the "norm" like everyone else is something society in particular in this country will frown upon.

I could choose to face it and try to solve it or shelved it and dwell upon it for the rest of the time when I'm there.

"Quitting is hard. Not quitting is harder."

2007-05-26T11:03:00.000+08:00

There's a lot of angst going on right now, corrupting thoughts and feelings. Burn out and frustration put one in a vulnerable situation, killing relationships. Walking away is one of the solutions but do not solve the problem. Remove all feelings, empathy and the works, do your thing and ignore everything else. Cruel world. There's no justice. There's no peace. Living in an illusion, shouting and pleading for something nice and rosy which has never been there in the first place. Wasted energy and resources.

2007-05-20T14:01:00.000+08:00

I did a simplified version of DISC, profiling test yesterday morning. I believed I did it before eons ago and the other test I did at uni was psychometric test (I think that's what its being called). These tests are not 100% foolproof but it has been tested on millions of people. For DISC its about 80+% accurate. We were always told and advice not to dwell on it too much. Treat it like a guideline for yourself and to know yourself better. After all it helps to understand how and why different personalities clash. Its truly helpful especially when you are in the working world or starting to build relationship.

My DISC test result read that I'm an "I" personality, an influence, someone who is friendly and active. Some of the traits of an "I" are like to be around people, friendly relationship, and democratic boss. The flip side of things are an "I" is impulsive, superficial, surface analysis thus needs to learn time management, attention to details, emotional control. Personally I like the "emotional control" bit. Realised when I am in PMS mood, all hell break lose. Attention to details, well I'm not a very patient person.

We have to plot our scores on 3 different graphs, graph 1- Mask, Public Self, graph 2- Core, Private Self and graph 3- Mirror, Perceived Self. In all 3 graphs showed the peak is at "I" so its consistent. However in graph 3, the shape is inverted as compared to graph 1 & 2. The trainer asked me how long I have been working. I told him its coming to 3 years. He said from the graph it showed I'm at the crossroad, I'm not sure what I want to do. I must say I was pretty taken aback by his analysis. And yesterday evening, after so many months, I flipped through the Recruit section of ST. I asked myself what else can I do? What do I want? I found 2 jobs which I think will suit me and I will like doing. Something for me to ponder about.

Have a good week ahead everyone.

2007-05-18T18:13:00.000+08:00

Is it worth it? The same question I ask myself over and over again.

I cannot take it anymore!!!
________________________________________________________________

I guess there is not much of an issue of me working late and working on weekends cos I don't have kids to look after or partner to entertain. I have parents who are pretty independent. However my social life suffers. I'm feeling the strain. I'm just drained. (It rhymes! Haha!)

Anxiously waiting to go to Canada.

2007-05-13T21:20:00.000+08:00

I had a good weekend cos it was a non-work weekend :)

Friday night - it was girls nite out. Put 5 single ladies together and you will get a market! Topic of conversations were work, bosses, colleagues, marriage, financial planning, insurance, vacations, and of course men!

Saturday lunch with mum and grandma. Early Mother's Day celebration. Went shopping with them after that and I bought clothes! And now I need shoes and bag(s).

Saturday evening I was on a "date" with Jase, ya Jase to watch Spidey 3 and supper at Swensen's. I cried when Harry died. (The bugger seated behind me kept kicking my chair! Idiot!)

Sunday afternoon spent at aunt's house to watch malay ghost movies with screaming kids who can't sit still for 5 seconds.

Sunday evening attended Jayden's 1st birthday party. Lots of kids & babies. My first time attending someone's 1st birthday party. Jayden looked puzzled with all the chaos but he is a good sport. When the grandparents asked him to clap along to the Happy Birthday song, he just follow suit.

Tomorrow is Monday. I'm fully charged I think. Ready for the long hours at the office.

Have a good week ahead!

2007-05-11T16:10:00.000+08:00

Another heart is broken... no its not mine but it cracks when he says "Its over." I wish I could wrap my arms around him and whisper "Its alright. Its alright. I'm here. Be strong. I will stand behind you always."

Sigh... how many more hearts need to be broken?

2007-05-09T17:18:00.001+08:00

Wednesday. My steam is running low. I'm drained.

2007-05-03T19:20:00.000+08:00

I should not play with fire if I'm not ready to get burnt.

Anyway I had a good time in class today, poking fun at my boss and joked with my colleagues while the trainer was talking away. It felt like I'm back in school. The trainer asked us a trivia question "Which month is the sun closest to the earth?" One of my smart alec colleagues who is the same group as me replied "Sun-day". The rest of us in the group shook our heads in disbelief.

And I'm very happy JY is back in office. So happy!! :)

2007-05-02T19:22:00.000+08:00

Everyone has left. I'm tired. I'm hungry. I can't leave yet.

2007-05-01T23:07:00.000+08:00

I had my first inaugural meeting with my other "darlings" i.e. the exco members this evening. The meeting place was rather ulu I must say, a rich man's area, all quiet and atas. Its near Mohd Sultan. The cafe sat couple of steps away from this huge "canal" which V very hard tried to convince me its a river (well it leads to Spore River). I looked at her and said, "What river??" Kuala Tembeling river that takes us to Taman Negara and that is a river! Anyway it was an area I had never venture but its definitely a good place to chill, away from hustle and bustle of city life. Its not really true to say "there's no where to go in Spore" cos there are places/areas that has yet to be flooded by people. However you need a vehicle to go to such places. Our public transport may not take us there. Perhaps I could suggest this to my friends for our next gathering or meet up to explore Singapore!

Happy May Day/Labour Day/holiday! :)

2007-04-30T23:09:00.000+08:00

I had good time at dinner this evening. I was completely myself, letting loose, laughed so much that left me with tummy ache, alleviate the stress that is weighing heavily on my shoulders. The few hours I spent with V, SF and Ro made me forget about my worries. Its sometimes easy to relate with someone who share the common ground as you i.e. your colleagues who knows the nature of your work, who knows the other colleagues. We share the woes and joy of our work. Other people may not get it what you are going through, the responsibilities weighing on your shoulders and thus may not empathise with you as much as your colleagues. Its definitely a good kick start of the week, a boost to help me pull through this week. My "to do list" has no end to it but at least I know I have few colleagues who are as mad as me, who are in the same wavelength as me.

2007-04-29T13:26:00.000+08:00

I slept for 12 hours!! Woohoo!! It was definitely a luxury. And I'm feeling kinda sleepy now. Perhaps I will head back to bed. Nice cool weather today to spend in bed :)

2007-04-28T00:10:00.000+08:00

Thursday morning woke up and saw my room spinning. Shut my eyes for 5 minutes and drag myself out of bed to prepare for work. Feeling nauseous. Pop panadol. Force myself to work.

Thursday afternoon both my calves hurt. I did not do any physical activity the day before. It just hurts the moment I stood up and start walking.

Friday morning alarm went off at 7. Shut it off and told myself 5 more minutes. But I woke up about an hour 10 minutes later to realise I'm LATE! I start work at 8.30 and I woke up at 8.15! Under 15 minutes I wash up, change clothes and out of the house.

Friday evening dinner with Kai ma and my Dear. And finally I bought a new mobile as the M1 voucher expires end April. After much deliberation and lots of help from the girls I bought...

2007-04-25T00:21:00.000+08:00

What is your definition of "happiness"?

- Wealth
- Love
- Dream job
- Just being happy
- Living a dream
- Health

And how do you know if you have reached "happiness"? Is that the ultimatum?

2007-04-22T23:08:00.000+08:00

It was a busy weekend as I tried to balance work and family/social life. Spent the entire Saturday observing youth and parents sexuality workshop. This morning I slept in till 10.30am (its a luxury!) and spent the afternoon at my aunt's place. Its been about a month plus since I visit my young cousins, who have grew bigger and taller. Wrap up the weekend by having dinner with my "darlings". The week ahead will be a busy one, nothing unusual. Brought home some work to do but could not find the mood to do them. I guess I have to spend long hours at my desk feverishly trying to meet the deadlines. As per normal I'm the last minute worker, works best under pressure. I always joked with my colleagues that I will only start planning for the major events the day before the event commence.

Some snapshots of my young cousins.

2007-04-18T22:37:00.000+08:00

Went to watch Phantom of the Opera last night with V, KL and Dino. The whole stage, the theatre was transformed to a magical wonderland. All of us were awe by it. Even though we bought the cheapest tickets and sat right up at the fourth level but we could see almost everything, could feel everything. It was totally amazing. It was surreal. All of us were captives of the Phantom.

However I have to admit here that I dozed at one of the scenes when Christine was singing solo. Her voice was so soothing, the music put me to a relax mode, the lights were dimmed and I was tired after spending the day running around from one meeting to another, thus it was a perfect condition for me to take a nap. If the audience did not make noise by clapping after her performance I believe I would only woke up after the musical ended! Yikes! Luckily I was awake to catch the rest of it.

It was a brilliant performance. I don't mind watching it again perhaps next time at London?

And tonight I realised I found new interests, trekking and climbing and theatre/musicals/dance. The latter is something I have already fallen in love with and aim to do more of it. The former well the interest grew on me after the Taman Negara trip. And each time I watch Animal Planet, Travel and Living and National Geographic I said to myself, one day I will go to that place to trek or climb and see those animals or insects "live". Earlier this evening Arts Central showed this lady who trekked Africa and saw black rhinos and climbed the second highest mountain in Africa and I told myself I want to go there. Its just amazing. I believe nothing beats going back to nature, to be in nature to soothe the soul, heal the wound and ease the pain living in metropolitan city where almost everyone too selfish to care, too busy to stop to care.

2007-04-15T01:32:00.000+08:00

Sunny, Me, Moon, Puvezz & Dino with Orang Asli

Green, Red, Yellow on top of Bukit Teresek

Us in the jungle @ nite

Sunny, Me, Puvezz, Dino & Moon @ the jetty

Us at @ Jerantut KTM Station @ 2 am

Moon, Me, Puvezz, Dino, Zam (hugging tree) & Sunny

2007-04-14T21:09:00.000+08:00

Blue is the colour. Walking amongst the crowd, nameless. Faceless, nameless public servant walking amongst the crowd. Seeking to be heard. Listen is what she needs. Sometimes nobody does. But she does for everyone else. Fair is it not? Do people know she cares? She whines cos she is tired. Listen please someone, is all she needs. She knows in her heart what she does is for the greater good. But do people know? People said she is whiny, showing displeasure. She chases, she hunts, she is tired. Listen please someone, is all she needs. If this is a calling she asked, show to her please. Just listen. Please. Don't judge, don't comment. It hurts. Just listen.

2007-04-13T14:08:00.000+08:00

We have this "love hate" relationship. I can't deny the fact that he will be there when in times of need. When I heard he got into a car accident I can't help feeling worried. However I tried to act nonchalant but deep inside I was worried. Sigh...

2007-04-09T20:56:00.000+08:00

Taman Negara - Part I

2007-04-09T17:31:00.000+08:00

I'm back!! Taman Negara was fantastic. I had the best time of my life! This is one of the best vacations I had and thoroughly enjoyed. I came home with aching body from climbing, walking, sitting endlessly on sampans but I had total relaxed mind. I'm a happy camper. I have fallen in love with the place. How not to? Lush greenery, endless river, beautiful water, beautiful animals and amazing insects, night skies littered with stars, fresh air, delicious kampung food, yummy pineapple juice and most importantly great company of Dino and Puvana.

We will definitely go back to Taman Negara. This time round we gonna camp in the jungle. Since I have survived taking myself out from my comfort zone, explored unknown territory, did bat cave exploration, trekked the jungle at night, got drenched from one of the sampan-water activity which scared shit outta me thus I believe now I can do more. Taman Negara, Kuala Tahan have given me the sanctuary I have been looking for all this while. Zam, our guide always reminded us "Be Positive. Concentrate."

Zam, a 21-year old guy, who is very mature beyond his age. He is knowledgeable, down to earth, playful but responsible. He is not good looking, not that tall either but we like his personality. Zam has a vision. He has plans for the future. He is someone Dino and I would not mind having as a partner. We came to a conclusion that at this age of ours looks is somewhat secondary. Men or to be precise Malay men like him is a rare breed. However like always men like him is taken, he is getting married this weekend. He invited us to his wedding but we could make it cos we gotta work on Monday. We gave him green packet instead.

2007-03-31T12:20:00.000+08:00

3 more days to Taman Negara and I'm under the weather right now. I hope it would not rain there. And people have been reminding me about the leeches. I have never see a real one before. Sigh...here I am trying to act hero, getting out of my comfort zone spending my vacation in a rain forest, getting dirty and wet, donating my blood to mosquitoes and leeches. I could be going through a late 20s crisis.

This is also my first time travelling with Dino. She said this will be a test to our friendship. I told her it sounds like we are married! We need to test the strength of our relationship. I fought with one of my good friends before when we were in Malacca for a vacation. However I believe we are destine to be friends for a long time, we are still good friends today. We will reminisce about it and laugh it off how silly we were back then. I believe some relationships are meant to last a lifetime.

2007-03-28T18:12:00.000+08:00

I got news. My portfolio has expanded exponentially. I wanted to scream but no sound came out. I "complained" to V. If I look at things positively, boss trust me and has faith I can carry out the job/duties well. But if I look at the other extreme end, he is trying to kill me, literally. I'm not being paid enough to do almost 2 persons job! I told V I can open up my own private limited subsumed under the Board. Honestly I feel good he trusts me so much to give me a huge slice of the cake but on the other hand I don't think I can finish eating the huge slice of the cake.

2007-03-25T00:50:00.000+08:00

I'm an avid fan. Wentworth, he is worth watching :)

2007-03-24T22:24:00.000+08:00

"Red Cafe" on a Friday night

2007-03-19T20:36:00.000+08:00

About 2 weeks ago, Ed, Kor, Rosie and I had dinner to celebrate Rosie's birthday. And as usual questions and queries were being thrown into our "oh-so-boring" conversation. Perhaps before I go into the "query of the night" allow me to digress. There I was with Rosie standing outside the restaurant waiting for Kor. I saw this man looking so vividly familiar but he has a shaved head and wearing a "oh-so-70s HUGE shades". Lo and behold its Kor!! The first thing I asked him "Are you going through a mid-life crisis??" Anyway Ed and Rosie tried the shades and I must say they looked good especially Ed. He can be the next Cleo's Top 50 Bachelor.

Back to the "query of the night". Rosie asked what is Platonic Love/Relationship? And we gave the answer that we were taught with by definition, its a relationship between a man and woman with no sexual involvement or any other kind of feelings except friendship (or something along that line). She then asked why can't the definition includes between a man and man or a woman and a woman. Ed replied cos its "normal" to think (or common sense) that the same sex would not go beyond friendship i.e. there will be no sexual involvement. Rosie then queried "What is normal?" I answered its something the society define as "normal", something usual, something we have been growing up with. The conversation at the dinner table was then revolved around platonic love/relationship and what is "normal". Interesting aye.

Rosie emailed me the definition of Platonic Love.

Platonic love in its modern popular sense is an affectionate relationship into which the sexual element does not enter, especially in cases where one might easily assume otherwise. A simple example of platonic relationships is a deep, non-sexual friendship between two heterosexual people of the opposite sexes.

@ http://www.reference.com/browse/wiki/Platonic_love

And we have yet to find a "common" or agreeable answer to "What is normal?"

2007-03-18T22:59:00.000+08:00

We have been Ignited!! Finally the day or the moment my colleagues and I have been waiting for - celebration dinner for being Ignited! I was arrowed to be in the organising committee for our signature event and I remembered I detested it so badly. However looking back it has been a good learning experience for me. The past 2+ months were spent preparing for the event. And the last 2 weeks were madness. I could hardly breathe so were my colleagues. We met many challenges preparing for this event (in particular with our event organiser), did a lot of fire fighting but we survived, came out alive and in 1 piece. When the EO said "Its a wrap!" I could not be happier but at the same time felt a little sad. I had a blast working towards this event (minus the problems we had with the EO). My colleagues and I built a strong camaraderie during the 2+ months. We were in the same boat and went through the same pain. The EO atone for all the "sins" by putting up a good show during the 2-day event. There were not much hiccups or trouble shooting need to be done on site. And for that we give the EO a thumbs-up. But during the preparation period we were close to hang them alive. Now its all over and done with, except for the post-mortem bit, we felt a bit lost cos preparing for this event made up quite a substantial portion in our daily work. Work being work which will never end, we lamented there are other projects waiting for us on our desk. But now we can give undivided attention to our other projects which we have been "neglected".

With the new financial year coming next month, I have string of KPIs to meet ie projects to complete, endless meetings and of course endless fire fighting. Workload getting heavier which comes with expanded responsibilities too. But for now I'm keeping myself sane and alive by looking forward to my Taman Negara trip with Dino. Trekking, cave exploration, "shooting rapids", leeches, insects, wild animals and spending time with a good friend. I'm excited!

Oh by the way, I was on TV this evening. I was being interviewed on one of the parenting shows about kids and smoking. I missed it cos I was on my way home from dinner. And as per normal I did tell some people about it but did not disclose the show's name and the time slot. Reason being I know I'm ugly so yea I'm saving myself from embarrassment.

Have a good week ahead people! "Power Your Dreams. Live Life to Its Fullest!"

2007-03-10T22:02:00.000+08:00

This morning...

Me: Hey do you need help?
V: Nah. Its ok. Do you want to come down now? And bring your darling boss along.

Me: Huh?

V: He is not here.
Me: I don't know where he is.

At the lecture hall...

V: Where is your boss?
Me: I don't know. You sms him.

A while later...

V: He just called. He sounds sleepy. It seems he just woke up. We have to start without him.

Me: Orh... maybe he had a hot date last night.

During the presentation V showed me my boss' sms to her. "I'm sorry. I overslept. On my way." I smiled. He was 30 minutes late and he was one of the judges. Gosh! How can he forgets?!

During the break I jokingly asked him "You went clubbing last night issit?" He replied, " Yea. One of my friends is going overseas so decided to make him drunk. Came home at 3." I thought he was joking and I was quite taken aback with his reply. The another new boss joined us and I jokingly asked him "Hey lets go clubbing next week." He replied, "Yea sure. When? You organise lah." I was like "What??!!" Well both of these 2 new bosses are young and single so I guess nothing to hold them back from being "havoc", "wild" and "dangerous". My boss asked me "Can you club?" I replied "Erm...Can't stand the smell of alcohol. And vices." The other boss said "So you promote safe sex but you don't do the vices." And I just smiled.

Anyway I was "tasked" to organise a night out with the 2 bosses and the rest of the colleagues. They said it could be just dinner and coffee. My boss said we are from the youth departments so we have to be youthy and vibrant. Hmm...at the end of a work day, all we need is our bed. Boss also offered to lend me his trekking/climbing gear cos I told him I will be away on Good Friday weekend to go to Taman Negara and maybe hike Mount Tahan. However after "much discussion" with Dino we realised we are not up to hike to Mount Tahan and just stick to trek Taman Negara.

Its truly a "culture shock" for me to have bosses who are rather happening. Woohoo!!

2007-03-08T19:03:00.000+08:00

Has work become my companion? Has it become my hideout? Did it help to numb me?

2007-03-02T22:03:00.000+08:00

Life. It can be simple. It can be complicated. It can be easy. It can be difficult. That's life. Looking back I saw myself grew up. About 2 years my life mostly revolves around work. I met many challenges during the 2 years. I persevere. I survived. But of course I would not have survived without the strong support network.

This year once again full of uncertainties. For good or for worse I have yet to find out. Will I stay or will I move, I don't have the answer now. Learning to forgive, learning to ward off negative energy, slowly put me at ease. I'm calmer now. "Pardon me for asking. What is your role in the committee? Do you need to stay till the end of the meeting? Can you leave earlier?" The event is taking place in 2 weeks time. Do you think they allow me to leave the meeting earlier? Do you think my role is being a calla fare?

Love. Nothing is forever. Whoever says "I will love you forever" try harder. Yes I'm being cynical about it. Well you can shoot back and say "You never been there." Yes I have never been there physically. But I saw and I feel. I saw too many hearts being broken. I saw too many tears being shed. Love. It is forever. Between my parents and I.

Life. I'm thankful I'm still breathing. I'm thankful I was not being born into a family that will sell the daughters to pimps. I'm thankful I was born into the family that believes in education. I'm thankful my parents kept it together. I'm thankful my parents are still together. I'm thankful. Love. Life.

2007-02-25T16:19:00.000+08:00

Bintan is out. Heading to Taman Negara in April (I'm praying very hard everything will go smoothly as planned) with Dino. Both of us are looking forward to a much needed break cum vaccation and what better way to do it than going back to nature. (PS: Dino hates shopping so BKK is out! Haha.) And I really need something to look forward to keep myself alive throughout March. Its like reaching out to that light at the end of the dark tunnel. Boss reminded me yesterday to clear my time-off. Told him I'm taking one month off in April. He replied "Yea." I think he did not hear me properly. Speaking of Boss I'm still adjusting myself to his working style. Question is why can't new bosses try to match their working style with the staff's? Why must it be the other way round? Answer is they are the ones writing the appraisal and determined the promotion and pay increment. Ta-dah!

Anyway this week has been a good short working week. I got to do some catching up with colleagues cum friends outside office setting and did CNY visiting. I'm very happy that my girls and I make a point to do CNY visiting. Its not about the hong baos or pigging out with the snacks at each house but more of strengthening the bond between us and our families. Like yesterday, Ling's house was the second last house. And most of us were already exhausted from the pigging out and mackers dinner. My Dear said we can skipped her house if we want too. I told them its once a year affair and so happened Dear's mum was at home and we should visit her. We don't see aunty everyday. I'm very sure all our parents remember us. We have been together since secondary school. And we pretty much grew up with each other and our parents saw us growing up together. One of the things I like about celebrating festivities is not only about the food but also strengthening of bond.

Everyone of us are busy with our daily commitment but try to spare some time to spend it with our loved ones. I'm still trying to strike a balance. However for those who doesn't appreciate spending time with your family or friends, I guess its time to say goodbye to them. Ardious!

2007-02-18T21:08:00.000+08:00

From Yahoo! Singapore Polls

Chinese New Year is a good time for me to...

1718 votes since Feb 16 2007

Visit friends and family 26% 447 votes
Celebrate the Lunar New Year spirit 16% 279 votes
Go on a holiday 11% 193 votes
Catch up on work/sleep 47% 799 votes

Guess where I put my vote at?

2007-02-17T19:30:00.000+08:00

Last night at about 11 my vendor called. But my mobile was on silent mode thus I had 3 missed calls from her. She left me a text message about the bad news. 7.15 this morning she called and I was barely awake and broke the bad news again. I was on the bed talking to her trying to get my brain to work to rectify the problem. We ended the conversation about 16 minutes later for her to make another round of calls to the youths. She called again at about 8 to confirm most are not attending the class for some reason or another. Sipping my tea at the dining table listening to her reporting to me about the youths, walked to the living room trying to think of a solution and I made a decision then to postpone class today. I do not want to waste resources. We will have a made up class I told my vendor. Since I was already up and pretty much in an alert mode I decided to go to office and do some administrative stuff and pack some work home for the long weekend. I told JY and V that if the same scenario happen to me last year I would have jumped out of my bedroom window. V said I should throw the youths down instead. JY said I have grown up. Time and experience played a huge role on my calmness when I faced the situation this morning. I did not hit panic mode. I tried to find solutions to solve the problem. And the next problem will be is to explain to my boss(es) next week. I will leave that problem till next week.

Moving to a happy news I did not expect they are sending me to attend The 19th IUHPE World Conference in Vancouver this June. I knew my programme abstract was accepted so were 20+ other abstracts from my company. I got the news on Friday from HR that they have booked our flight. A large contingent is going in June about 21 of us altogether. KL and LL are going too so I will be sharing a room with them. My first reaction when I received the email was I went speechless. I was shocked. I couldn't believe what I read. Honestly I did have a tiny hope that they will send me but I was not pinning for it. And when I'm gain my "consciousness" reality hits me. I have to do an oral presentation. I have to present and share about the programme with other delegates and the findings we gathered from the programme. Mixed feelings right now. Happy and scared. Anyway I'm looking forward to attend the conference cos I know I'll get to learn more things in this industry. Perhaps too this is a sign to affirm that I will stay in this industry for long and it will be my career and not just another job.

To my Chinese friends, Gong Xi Fa Cai!

2007-02-17T11:58:00.000+08:00

From Fengshui calculator

You are conservative and aggressive. You have a lot of love and friendships in your life. You will have a strong love relationship that will not last long but the memories will last forever. Your life will take on a different direction, it will seem hard at time but will be the best thing for you, you will be glad for the change.

Mary is your Best friend. "19", This is how many close friends you have in your lifetime.

You like adventure. You are spontaneous and like to please people.

2007-02-14T19:00:00.000+08:00

Hypnosis and Hypnotherapy for Success

Discover Personal Power and Potential through Hypnotherapeutic and Subconscious Excellence

Hypnosis is defined as a naturally occurring state of mind. E.g. Daydreaming, being involved in TV show and not hearing someone called your name, focusing so hard on a deadline or goal at work, that time flies without your awareness, jumping at scary movie...

However that was not the definition that was taught to us by our lecturers. We were taken aback. We had never knew hypnosis is that simple.

Anyway went to watch a "movie" called The Secret (www.thescret.tv) at this particular hypnosis organisation that talks about realising your dreams, goals etc. You have to constantly think about it, visualise it, internalised it that you will achieve or attained that particular dream or goal. Metaphorically the earth is like the genie from the bottle that grant your wishes. You have to tell the earth what you want and visualise it, believe it that you will get it. It was also about positive thinking. If you keep thinking of the things you don't want e.g. annoying job, annoying pay etc you well get those things. So you have to think of the things that you want. Make sense? You have to be thankful for what you have, stop thinking that you don't have these or that but start thinking those things you want.

The mind is a powerful thing. It work wonders. Thinking back it happened to me before. When I was in poly I wrote one of my goals is to study abroad. I believed then I know I will achieve it. And I achieved that goal. I guess you have to really believe you can achieve it. I also believe God put me here for a reason. What is the reason I don't know. I know He will help me. He answers my prayers. However I too have to help myself in order to reach my goals. I don't know how am I going to reach my goals but I know I will achieve them eventually.

2007-02-13T13:02:00.000+08:00

Lunch time. Too lazy to walk out and "fight" for seats with other people thus ate in at the comfort of this little space given to me. Happy.

Earlier this morning one of my friends asked me if I have any plans for tomorrow. I asked her if she is asking me out for lunch. She replied, "No. Any hot date?" Ahh... Valentine's. And that did not cross my mind. Its just another day which happens to be Wednesday. Told her I will be at home watching TV. Happy.

Last night had reunion dinner with the girls. Went to Swensen and ordered their "8 Fortune" special that comes with yu-sheng too. The yu-sheng was so sour that each of us just took one bite. The main course was alright. Acceptable. The company was great as usual. But I was not up and about due to lack of sleep on Sunday night. I slept after I ate my food. My girls laughed when they saw me dozing off. I could not sleep on Sunday because of the anxiety attack I had over my virgin "live" radio interview yesterday afternoon. I was asked to talk about STD/AIDS in Malay. Yes Malay. My anxiety level went 2 notch higher. Anyway it went ok. Happy.

This morning I found out more about my new boss' working style. Not happy.

2007-02-11T12:10:00.000+08:00

Last night V and I went to watch Calonarang by Padnecwara Dance Company at Esplanade. Calonarang is an 11th century tale rooted in East Java, of a battle between good and evil, the furtility of war and blame. The production of Calonarang was a collaboration between master of Javanese Bedaya dance and internationally renowned Balinese Legong dancer.

We were enchanted and mesmerised by both dances for 1.5 hours. It was a wonderful collaboration between the two type of dances as I could see the differences in them. Balinese dance is full of expressions, from the eyes to the toes. Each movement has a meaning. Its fast paced compared to Javanese dance. Javanese dance is of a slower tempo, very demure like but it gives a sharp and direct meaning. Putting both dances together on stage were simply awesome. I was educated for 1.5 hours watching and observing the dancers dancing away to the mystical sounds of gamelan music. I believe each dancer has been trained since they were young to perfect each movement that is so intricate and execute each movement with so much grace.

It was refreshing to watch the dances, the dances that have been practised for thousand of years by millions of Javanese and Balinese. I felt I was close to my roots last night. I'm a Javanese but I was not raised with any of Javanese culture. And living in Singapore I was assumed as a Malay, exposed to Malay culture. I would love to learn the Javanese language and learn more about the culture. I had a wonderful time last night and end the work week on a high note.

2007-02-09T19:08:00.000+08:00

I'm tired. Simply very tired.

A call from an old friend brought me back to the past. I was happy. Life was simple. He was like the energizer bunny. He sounds very ang moh but after all these months and years he still remembers me and kept my number. Its a nice feeling.

And now I should move my ass and go home to rest. Its a 6 days job this month and 7 days job next month.

2007-02-07T21:25:00.000+08:00

I have a new boss. He supposed to report to work tomorrow but he came on Monday!! This dude must be so eager to work for the company. And yes he is so full of energy, so on the ball, wanting to jump into the sea and swim. He called for a meeting on Tuesday at 9 am!!! I was like "Bloody hell. I'm not in the mood to meet anybody at 9am!!" I have no reservation to show my true emotions that when I stepped into the meeting room, I greeted him and sat 2 chairs behind him and went all quiet till the last hour of the meeting. This afternoon while I was busy doing my script for next week's radio show, my colleague told me he wanted to "chat" with me. I was like "What??" I guess he just wanted to know me better and find our more what I'm doing. So I gave him a list of things I'm currently taking care of. He looked at the list and he said "I can see you are busy." I replied "Ok lah." I'm trying very hard to remember to get him involve in my work as much as I can. I can't be complacent and thinks "He should know." Well he does not. He is new.

Anyway I'm looking forward to April for some breathing space. And I'm also trying very hard not to allow negative energy enter my spirit.

P/S: It took me almost a year to be comfortable with my previous boss. I can now joke and chat with him like any other colleague. New boss remarked why am I not as chatty or "friendly" as my colleague. Am I shy? Haha!

2007-02-02T22:29:00.000+08:00

I need a change. 2 years anniversary in 2 months time. I have never work beyond 2 years. Cos the last time after I worked for 2 years I shipped myself to Oz land.

You will never be one of those people in my prayers. Never. I forgive BUT I will never forget. One thing you have yet to know is that I bear grudges.

2007-01-27T01:09:00.000+08:00

"What is not meant to be yours will not be yours." - 01:10

I love you Ana.
I love you Rosie.
I love you Kor.
I love you Edmund.
I love you Jase.

Krabi in August...I hope it will come through. I hope history won't repeat itself. Made plans to go to Bangkok/Sarawak in December but had to cancel cos something came up which is called work. Crap.

2007-01-23T12:54:00.000+08:00

I had a wonderful time last night. Hearty dinner overlooking the Spore skyscraper. Sinful dessert at Max Brenner. Spent the rest of the night under the "starless" sky talking crap, cracking up jokes and laugh to our hearts content. I was very relaxed. Thanks guys and girls for ending my Monday on a high and happy note.

Who says you can't be happy and high when you are single? One of my single girlfriends told us she is happy without him. High five to her! Well its good to have a partner to share your life with but what good will it be if your partner gives you more pain than happiness? Sometimes I'm glad I'm single. Yea it can be lonely sometimes but if you know you have strong support network ie friends and family and colleagues, I don't think that loneliness will last that long.

Anyway I just saw a "battle" between 2 colleagues on the topic of food - nutrition to be precise. One doesn't eat fast food cos its not healthy. And thus the other said she is missing out on good food. The whole scenario was rather comical. I unintentionally took side of the other colleague when he said "Eat also die. Don't eat also die. So might as well eat!" Well dude I can't agree more. Then again working in this industry we gotta watch what we say especially on the topic of food - nutrition and other health matters.

"Life life to the fullest"

2007-01-22T17:45:00.000+08:00

Now I know how parents feel when their child has disappointed him or her. And that get me thinking if I want to have a child.

Unmet expectations = Disappointment

This is a post-project challenge. To unattached myself or any emotions I have with the kids.

2007-01-21T23:19:00.000+08:00

Did you know there were changes to Star Wars Epi 6? I just watched it cos Star Movies was showing all 6 episodes every Sunday. I have watched epi 6 few times and could instantly spot the difference. If you remember towards the end Luke was smiling at 3 figures, Yoda, Obi-Wan and his father. The 2 characters were the same, Yoda and the old Obi-Wan but for Anikin Skywalker, instead of the old man it was the actor Hayden Christensen. My sister concluded they changed it cos Anikin "died" when he was young whereas Yoda and Obi-Wan died when they were already old. However I felt "cheated". I was expecting an old Anikin Skywalker instead I saw this young chap. I was taken aback.

My bro said they made some changes to epi 4 too. Extra scenes of Hans and Jabba and some cool CGI effects. With the power of technology nothing is impossible nowadays. How I wish they did not make any changes to the scenes and preserved it as it was shown orginally many years ago. I felt like someone has changed a piece of my childhood memories. No fun.

2007-01-21T15:12:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was the last follow-up session with the kids. Only 6 came. The rest were either sick or had other commitments. Took them bowling and futsal. In the van they were happily singing away from one song to another. They were like "live" band. I must say they sang rather well and very creative too. They create their own lyrics as they saw different road names. They maybe rowdy, noisy and full of pranks but I know they are good kids. Situation and circumstances made them where they are now. They crave for attention and love. They seek understanding. They seek freedom of expression. They want to be heard. They require lots of patience and determination. And most importantly not to ever give up on them. I was tidying up my Insufficient Memory notebook and I saw what I wrote in October, the first time I met these kids. I wrote "These kids are special. They are unique in every way."

This project had many challenges and I was not prepared to face them then. I was very close to giving up. I did break down halfway through the project. However I had strong support network that kept me going. I had to change my perception that each challenge I faced is a lesson to be learn. I asked God to give me strength and lead me to the right path. And now 5 months later I came out in one piece, mentally and physically. The things that I have experienced and learnt can never be found in textbooks or journals. I'm proud to say I did it.

I'm going to miss the kids. They gave me heartache and joy at the same time. They brought smiles and laughter to my life. They brought colour to my life. I sincerely hope they will take the right path in life. I hope and pray they will be happy and healthy.

"Life is a Challenge. Be a Winner."

2007-01-16T23:56:00.000+08:00

I believe there are no amount of thank yous or words to describe how grateful I am to my mum for paying my uni education. I am truly fortunate and blessed to be given the chance to pursue a degree and at the same time to pursue my dream to read psychology and live abroad. I realised without mum supporting me financially, spritually and mentally, and believing in me I would not be where I am now.

2007-01-05T21:58:00.000+08:00

Amir and girlfriend will be starting uni at Oz this year. Amir is heading to UNSW to do environmental engineering and his girlfriend will be heading to UOW to major in English. And I have one more reason why I shoud go back to Sydney this year. Its been a year since I last saw Amir. We became friends thanks to the AIDS conference we attended in India. He is the only person whom I'm pretty much still keep constant contact thanks to technology and globalisation. Amir is a Maldivian and he flipped out when I told him I'm seven years older than him. He looked mature for his age and throughout the 1 week conference he thought I'm younger than him until I revealed my age during our last night roaming the city with few others. India, another country I would like to visit again.

I'm catching Borat tomorrow evening. I did not know it is R21 until V told me over lunch. She was stopped by the cinema staff to produce her IC after she purchased the tickets. It was so hilarious. I think V should just stick to watch movies like Charlotte's Web. I kinda regretted in agreeing to watch the movie which I was told full of vulgarities and some sex scenes and naked men. How "exciting". However I can't back out now cos Dino has booked the tickets. Bummer.

2007-01-04T23:55:00.000+08:00

My first day of work for 2007 spent dealing with a** h****. I'll take you down!!!

On a lighter note, had dinner with my 2 poly gfs. I had good time discussing and laughing with them about men, life, work, hitching rich & dying men, marriage, singlehood, questioning on each other's sexuality. Its been ages the 3 of us see each other thus we had to do a lot of catching up. However despite the long silence from each other, it did not take away the feeling of being connected to one another. After all these years we are pretty much the same people. Till we meet again ladies.

2006-12-31T19:00:00.000+08:00

Sweet and serene

Grandma with 9 grandchildren

Men & boy enjoying ice-cream

2006-12-30T15:23:00.000+08:00

The new office was not that bad afterall. I'm seated next to a huge window which I can look out and gaze at the sky for inspiration. It gives a romantic feel when it rains outside. The new office is kinda spacious, plenty of room to walk around, well maybe partly is not fully occupied yet. I'm settling well. Some of my colleagues wanted to move into the new office because of the big window. The big window draws people there. And most importantly the new office don't have any bosses. We can have a party everyday but I realised I need certain degree of quietness when I'm working. Yesterday I "chased" some of my boys colleagues out of the office cos they were making too much noise.

Earlier this week CEO sent out an email to thank everyone for their hard work and contribution to the company. And he also announced that everyone can leave office at 4pm on Friday encouraging us to spend time with our loved ones. He did the same thing last year. CEO believes in work life balance and he is a family man. He does not like us staying late unnecessarily. Around the same time last year CEO caught me staying late despite the announcement to leave office early. He "chased" me out to go home.

It was too early to go home yesterday so I ran some errand and had dinner and watched movie with V. We got the tickets at the 11th hour thus end up seating at the first row. Charlotte's Web is an inspirational movie. It talked about love, friendship, loyalty, faith and sacrifice. Charlotte honoured her promises and took great lengths to make sure Wilbur will not end up on the dinner table. It got me thinking about the people who are in my life now. I'm not pretty nor rich or smart but I have friends and family who stood by me. Of all the things I have done wrong I must have done something right to deserve their love.

From me to you, have a happy and healthy 2007. XXOO.

2006-12-27T20:42:00.000+08:00

Last week boss told me that I have to move into a "new" office. I flipped. They converted one of the meeting rooms into a cosy little office to accomodate 2 departments staff. I was so shocked that it took me a while to absorb the news. The first thing that hit me was sadness. I love my cosy spacious cubicle. I was hidden, tuck at a corner with the cubicle walls to shield me from the outside world. Nobody knows if I have fell asleep in there. However the saddest part is that I'm going to miss my colleagues. We are so used 'shouting' at each other across cubicles, stand around the food corner to munch on snacks and chat. We laughed whole heartedly, teasing each other, and turn the music up when the bosses not around. The person I'm going to miss most is JC, my neighbour, my colleague who sat behind my cubicle. The more I think of it, the sadder I become. I tried to be optimistic, new year, 'new' office and my desk is next to the big window but its just different. With the 'new' office I have to get used to the total open concept. There are no walls to shield me. I only have a desk and the desks are arranged in a manner we have to face each other. Imagine me in the morning, with the worst mood facing the person opposite me. I pity the person who sits opposite me. Anyway there's nothing much I can do. Afterall its going to be temporary till November. I hope I''m able to survive. Till then I'm turning to comfort foods. Feeling unsettling these few days. It could be the endless rain, the endless work, the 'new' office. I need a vacation very badly.

2006-12-24T00:06:00.000+08:00

15 years of friendship and many more to come...

2006-12-23T09:27:00.000+08:00

"Hi. So what do you work as?"

I dread answering this question because I don't know what to answer or how to answer. How I wish there is a word or sentence can fully describe the nature of my job. Sometimes I jokingly reply to the question "I promote safe sex." And people will normally don't probe further or they reply my answer with another joke and stop asking. I'm not the only person facing the same situation because my colleagues too have difficulty explaining to the people or friends out there the nature of our job. Some people did not even know my company existed in the first place. I guess those who are not in the same industry like I do wouldn't know. Likewise I'm not in the IT or engineering industry I do not know who are the MNCs or the big players in that industry.

For this coming new year one of my wishes is that people stop talking about job/work at dinner table. I'm sure there are other things to talk about like people are dying in Africa, adopt a child from World Vision or weather is terrible. Ok maybe 10-15 minutes to talk about work or bitch about it or bitch about people at work. Crapping at dinner table is perfectly alright and stimulating topics of conversation (not too mind boggling though) are welcome too. Perhaps next time we should do something different like playing basketball or go to the beach though the beaches here suck.

Anyway I better pop some more panadols to completely cure my headache from last night's. I have a long day today.

Happy Holidays!